probablydancing's Journal
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Monday, April 13, 2009
8:25AM
I hate it when people think that since I'm a dance major that I get good grades handed to me. I work just as hard for my grades as anyone with any other major.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
7:56PM
If you're reading this: I miss you.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
6:26PM
Today was kinda crappy.
I had dance company rehearsal from 10 to 330. Everyone got a really long break today except for me. I'm understudying the lead so I couldn't break when everyone else did. It sucked. I couldn't eat before work. I guess it isn't that bad but I was really pissed about it. Then I had to teach 3 year olds which is sometimes crazy. I was so tired when I got home. But...
LABYRINTH CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY. SO now I am happier. :]
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
4:38PM
So today Catherine came over and we exchanged gifts. She gave me a watch with the flash on it that I've been staring at for months. :]
Katie Rattigan gave me a jingling belly dancing scarf because of my character in Forum. I'm thinking I'll be in belly dancing garb for renn fest next year. :] She also gave me a neat rubiks cube and some earrings from Scotland! Kylie gave me a mystery bag from the crystal fox which has incense, stones and a lighter in it. haha
I've been enjoying hanging out with friends I haven't seen in awhile. I love the holidays. :]
OH! Tattoo on saturday. And Ravens game on sunday. AND my cousins are in town this weekend. Best week ever.
Monday, September 29, 2008
6:29AM
Let's see.
I didn't get in the musical.
I didn't sleep last night.
I'm starting to slip in math.
I have an English Essay due to day which I never finalized from my rough draft.
Then I have an Arts enrichment seminar that I have to leave early from in order to get to work. And even though I emailed them I don't think they know yet.
then work from 4:30 to 5:30 and then I stay until 7;30-8:30.
I'm going to math to take my quiz but then I'm leaving to go home and sleep. I may even sleep through dance. But I have to go to English. Usually that would be an easy class to miss since it's usually discussion, but that bloody paper is due today.
today is going to suck no matter what.
Friday, September 12, 2008
12:34PM
The boy who was shot and killed yesterday lives down the street from me. We used to be friends in middle school. He used to follow me around, push me in the pool and we'd have water gun fights.
I didn't know him very well. BUt it's still sad that he's gone.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
7:16PM
I’ve always pictured my life as a fairytale. As if I was the heroine in some fantastical story about love, passion and self-acceptance. I realize I’m about as average as a girl can get, yet somehow, after seeing a movie or reading a book, I find myself trapped in the same fantasies I grew up with. I picture myself with strange powers, like premonition, or the ability to control things with my mind. And sometimes I’ll daydream about having someone who loved me unconditionally. And thought I was perfect. I know I’m not perfect, and I don’t strive to be perfect, I might even go as far to say that I like my flaws. But still that twinge of fantasy remains, hoping that someday someone will think I’m flawless.
Then I remember how agonizingly ordinary I am. Not to say I’m bland or that I wont amount to anything, but I guess it’s selfish to say I want more than what seems to be in store for me. I want to change something, or someone. I want to make a difference, an ability that I do not believe I have. Normalcy is not something that comes to mind when I think about how my life will turn out. But who wants to be normal? Of course everyone, at least at some point, desires to fit in. For some reason, over the past four years, I have realized that I can’t do that. I have been told on multiple occasions that there is something about me that attracts people. And I suppose that I can communicate with people fairly easily. But it upsets me when I think of myself as the listener. Oftentimes I have friends (and even acquaintances) come to me with problems, seeking advice. I don’t mind helping, but I have realized that not many of those people are willing to help me when I need to talk.
Maybe I’m being cryptic. Maybe I don’t realize that when I need someone I wait for somebody who wants to listen, rather than ask a friend to help. It just seems like no matter how close I am with someone, they never “get me” completely. Different people see different sides of me. It’s like a giant puzzle that, if pieced together correctly, will show all of me. My true colors. I doubt that any of my closest friends even realize I think about this.
I wish I could find one person who understands me completely. Someone who I could literally tell anything without them developing a negative opinion of me. But I suppose everyone is like this. Everyone must keep some things from others. I guess it’s in human nature to keep some secrecy.
I’m tired of being overlooked, used or even worse forgotten. It bothers me a lot (and this may seem inconsequential) when someone who hasn’t thought of me in ages contacts me to get information about someone else. This may just be some animalistic jealousy…thing. Like a puppy starved for attention. But I don’t just want attention. It just wouldn’t hurt to at least say hello and make small talk before pressing on with questions about my friends, even if they didn’t really care what I had to say.
I’m tired of “hello, what’s up?” conversations with no real care behind them.
I’m tired of people who don’t remember that I have feelings, too. And that I may not only be good for rides to concerts, and cleaning up the dishes.
And what I’m most tired of is being forgotten. I tell people I don’t miss her. And that is the truth. But I still care. More than anybody knows. Being abandoned hurts, even if you still have people who love you. Even if your father or whoever can take better care of you. It just is so aggravating to remember that to one person, who is supposed to be the most important person in the world, I come second. I come second to partying, drugs, and some man. Some man who in a way is just like me. Troubled, but still friendly. Friendly enough to talk to me in some of the most awkward situations. Friendly enough to listen. The worst part is that he cares more than her. She never knew I was nominated for a cappie, that I choreographed for a few shows, about my job offers. About graduation. But I let him know, but only to ask if he could pass the information along to her. I received a nice email in reply, congratulating me for everything. I didn’t hear a word from her.
I started writing this as a creative outlet that turned into my first LJ post in quite awhile. And I suppose the only reason I will post this is because I trust everyone who views it. You don’t have to reply. And you may not understand it. But that’s not what I want.
I just want somebody to listen.
Current mood:  indifferent Current music: "Storm"--Lifehouse
Saturday, July 19, 2008
1:44PM
My life is starting to come together.
I love my family. I am getting along well with my brother. My dad is respecting the fact that I'm not going to need to be so dependent anymore. And I'm closer to my step mom than I have ever been.
I'm in a terrific relationship. I have fantastic friends. And I'm really confident in the fact that I will do great things in the next few years.
I got a job at a dance studio. I'll be teaching 4 or 5 classes in the fall. I've never felt happier in my life.
I'm getting paid to do something I love.
Friday, January 25, 2008
List an uptempo, fun song. And a mildly depressing ballad.
Please?
I need to find songs to choreograph stuff to :D
Saturday, January 12, 2008
7:11PM
I was listening to my iTunes and Normandy popped up.
Sighhhh
Honk will never have memories this good.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
POST ANONYMOUSLY, if you want:
1. one secret.
2. one compliment.
3. one non-compliment.
4. favorite quote from a book or poem or movie or song or etc.
OR
post an anonymous comment, saying anything that you want me to know.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
5:08PM
I got a surprise christmas gift today!
I got into Josh's car and there was a stuffed animal and a bag. He said...this is for you!
I opened the bag and it was...
A PURPLE PARROTS SHIRT!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I was so excited! It was funny because I was just talking about how I wanted one. He has an Orange Iguana shirt that I got him in October. So now we can be disgustingly cute slash dorky. Mostly dorky.
Yay! :]
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
From Friends:
Various thingamabobs and a key chain rubik's cube.
A four by Four rubik's cube.
Fudge and a love the Earth shirt with a cute little panda on it.
A little puzzle and a purple bird pen.
A trip to the movies.
Lotion.
Candy.
Candy.
Candy.
Earrings.
Cool slippers.
A heart necklace.
Cool headbands.
A scrapbook.
Legwarmers.
A purse.
From the boy:
Love Actually.
Clerks! (A three disk extravaganza!)
Apocalyptica CD (the one with Metallica covers).
SUPERMAN for all seasons...an awesome comic.
From the boy's mom:
A giftcard to redlobster so Josh and I could go to dinner.
From the family:
A seafoam green iPod nano. (John and Kaylee! I got the video to work!)
A Flip Video digital camcorder. (Well my brother got it and gave it to me. We are sharing it but he said he'd never use it.)
Spiderman blanket.
A marvel book narrated by Stan Lee's voice!
Spiderman (the first one) on DVD.
The Princess Bride.
Rent.
"I can't I have rehearsal" hoody.
An iHome.
A nutcracker.
Some shirts.
A 5 x 5 Rubik's cube!
THE FIRST SEASON OF FRAGGLE ROCK ON DVD!
LANA! PARTY! YOU ME KYLIE'S AWESOME MOVIE WATCHING SPACE AND FRAGGLE ROCK!
Current music: Apocalyptica- Nothing Else Matters
Monday, December 24, 2007
11:45AM
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
I got higher than a 3.0 GPA.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
To be a nicer person...not really. I kinda like my sarcasm now. My new years resolution for this year is to never make a new years resolution again.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My Aunt Tionie.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.
5. What countries did you visit?
The US of A.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A clue as to where my life is heading.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The whole week of the May dance concert...It was fantastic.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Becoming a dance company captain was pretty great.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hahaha funtions and trig.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was sick for a few days, nothing major.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Chipotle. :D
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Sara. She rocks my socks. *I LOOOVE YOU!...would you like to buy a rubber duck?*
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Nobody really.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Gifts and food.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
That my dad is going to Disney world with the dance department. Getting a good role in the musical.
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Soco Amaretto Lime--Brand New.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. :D
b) thinner or fatter? About the same.
c) richer or poorer? Still poor! :D
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I danced more.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I worried less.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At my house with my familia.
21. What was your favorite month of 2007?
May probably.
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yeah. I suppose I did. :]
23. How many one-night stands?
None.
24. What was your favourite TV programme?
America's Next Top Model. Heck yesss.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah. Well. Yeah.
Just kidding I really don't hate anyone.
26. What was the best book you read?
I have no idea actually. There were a few good ones. I reread I am Legend. It's a good one.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Brand New, City and Colour.
28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get my locker decorated on my birfday. :]
29. What did you want and not get?
An A in math. haha
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh God. I don't know. I didn't really see many this year.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I can't remember.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing really. I had a pretty great year.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Jeans and nerd shirts. I started rocking headbands this year.
34. What kept you sane?
Josh, My family, Sara, Julia, Catherine, Jeremy.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jim Sturgess. HELLO!
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Haha. I hate politics. I ran away screaming so I didn't have to register to vote.
37. Who did you miss?
Jeremy. Julian. Julia.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Ben Eve! Trevor!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Wear your retainers or your teeth will shift!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"God only knows what I'd be without you."
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
I'm Penny in Honk.
I am the beautiful swan that Ugly falls in love with.
I get to honk! Only Ugly and Penny get to make the noise of the show title. So I'm stoked.
I also get to choreograph a dance solo for myself. :] *crosses fingers for a cappy*
I hate Math.
I have a B in Honors English...which is weird for me because the class is difficult and I'm a slacker.
I love being in the Mentor Program.
Dance concert January 26th. GO! The dance Nakia and I choreographed will be in it.
I haven't gone Christmas shopping as of yet.
And yesterday Josh came over and I laughed harder than I have in a while. Nothing funny even happend. Don't you love that. We were watching a Goofy Movie with my brother and Goofy shot up into the air and into the roof. And I was laughing so hard. I think I just needed sleep. But I laughed until I cried.
NOW I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
6:35PM
I am thankful for...
-my Family
-having such a cool step mom.
-my friends, and how different they are.
-how my dad is getting "Krebzilla" engraved on the back of my new iPod. :D
-my grandparent's health.
-my 4 cats.
-my brother and I being so close.
-being able to dance.
-Ms. Kuhl and Tobes.
-Hammond Drama.
-Hammond Dance.
-mashed potatoes.
-Josh.
-mashed potatoes.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
7:17PM
I'm not going to college.
The only college with a dance education program that I have a chance at getting into has a very competitive dance department and it costs a lot.
Fuck.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
I was supposed to hang out with Josh tonight but I sat on the couch and ended up falling asleep at 8. And now I wont see him till monday.
I keep having these really horrible repeating nightmares. I don't know how I don't scream myself awake because of them.
They normally start out with me walking outside with someone. Then this huge airplane gets really low and starts smoking and spiraling out of control. Pieces of the plane start to fall off and I begin to run with whoever is with me. That might be the worst part of the dream. I'm running as fast as I can and nowhere I can run to is safe enough. No one is panicking except me and who I'm with. We find a car and jump in it. We drive as far as we can but realize the entire world is collapsing. Everything outside makes it look like the apocolypse. Buildings are exploding, planes are crashing, and there are dead people in the streets...in HoCo. Yet people are still acting normally. Our car breaks down and we get out. We end up walking up to an amusement park. I tell the person I'm with to run. My "character" knows what is going to happen. *The "character" is me but in my dreams it's possible for me, the dreamer, to feel different than me, the dream Alex, during a dream. At this point we feel the same way.* So I start running through and rollercoasters begin to go off the tracks. Really sick things start happening, too. Like people's faces searing together. And people's skin coming off. We keep running and end up in a store. We go inside to try to find shelter from everything, people are shopping like everything is normal, and people look at me like I'm insane. We are chased out, and find another car. Apparently dream Alex knows how to hotwire a car. We drive and I hear more planes starting to crash. We get to the end of a long road and turn. Suddenly everything is normal again. My character seems fine. But I wake up at this point, horrified.
And that's why I'm not asleep. I can't sleep.
Okay I guess that's it.
Monday, September 10, 2007
I'm not avoiding you. :-p And you're silly to think I am.
<3
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